His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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