first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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