Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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