I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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