Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
