the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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