if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
