I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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