Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
