There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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