Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
