ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize