she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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