oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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