Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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