First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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