hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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