she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
