what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
