yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
