i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
