mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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