I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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