I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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