Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i will never coherently bang her
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!