3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
