I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
