Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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