i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
