$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
