News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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