i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have aggressive nipples.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
