I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
