Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
