Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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