They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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