I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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