i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
