Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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