I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
