Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
