Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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