my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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