Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
we're so committed to being not committed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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