1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
