mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
