i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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