i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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