I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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