i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
