take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
