hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
