My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
