Can i not drive my cunt home
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
