i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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