Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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