Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
