i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
