now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
