I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
how drunk are you?
Several
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
